All That I am Has Become So Fragile (sorry, bad four-letter words enclosed)

Dammit. I feel so fucking fragile these days. Just the littlest things set me off and make me want to just lay on the floor, pound my fist into the ground and cry until I dry up and blow away.



I have never in my life ever felt so fragile, so vulnerable and so overwhelmed with life and everything that I have been dealt. They say that God only gives you as much as you can handle. It's a bloody good thing I don't believe in God or I would be out looking for revenge.

All my fucking life I have had to be strong. I dealt with an emotionally absent mother, an alcoholic father and two older brothers who would have preferred that I was never born.

I was a single mother of 3 kids for a good deal of their lives growing up and became very resourceful. I never backed down from a challenge and my children were everything to me. Sure I made mistakes but god damn, who doesn't!?

I have a daughter who is a recovering alcoholic (recovery is not going so well) a son who suffers from deep depression and another daughter who decided that being with a wankstain asshat was preferable to being single.

One of my brothers I have not spoken to for about 25 years, my other brother is still an asshole and my mother hates me. My father died many years ago

I became a widow 10 years ago.

I have gone from poverty to middle class and back again. I have declared bankruptcy and fought my way back from it.

I have been diagnosed with diabetes and degenerative disc disease.

Seriously, when will it stop? I am waiting to exhale... when do I get that!?  I mean shit I am turning all sorts of shades of blue holding my fucking breath...trust me, I am not asking for the fucking moon, just a bit of breathing room.

I am fragile and overwhelmed. I question everything...EVERYTHING that runs through my brain. I have gotten to the point that if my husband or children mention something and I don't remember what it is they are talking about I blame myself. Many times it turns out that it was not my fucked up brain at all, but usually just something that they forgot to do or say.

I can't remember, I can't cook because I can't follow a recipe, I can barely even find enough brain cells to rub together to research things I can do to try and make things better for me. I have had to stop doing the work that I love because of this memory chaos I am undergoing.

What the hell else is there? what else!? Fuck. My. Life.