Hah! I have a feeling that the word "Remember" is going to be one of those that appears in my vocabulary quite a lot from now until I am no longer on this earth...
I don't quite know what to make of my feelings today, but when I read this meme, I started to tear up a little. I think it goes to the fact that I have not heard these words from anyone for a very long time. Be prepared, it might get a little "feeling sorry for myself" in here.
Maybe I will take these one by one and try to analyze and dissect what is happening in my head....
- You're Beautiful: Wow, I can't even remember the last time anyone has said this to me. We all need some validation, right? I mean I know I am likely NOT beautiful per say, but it would be nice to know that someone else thought I was. I don't even care for the term unless someone says it and then adds "inside" to it. Looks fade, I just want someone to notice that I have a beautiful inside/spirit/soul, whatever you want to call it.
- You're Loved: This one, I am not so concerned with. I mean the word love is used so freely and even said when it is not meant. So I don't put a lot of stock in this one.
- You're Needed: Again I can't remember the last time anyone of any significance to me said this. I think deep down, my greatest desire is to be needed and to be a benefit in someone else's lives. The job that I have been doing for the last 5 years sort of fed that need in me, but with my memory deteriorating the way it is, I can't really do my job anymore - so. I look for this within my family and sadly end up very disappointed with just how little I am needed.
- You're Alive for a Reason: Hah, sure would love to know what that reason is. I am 57 years old and still can't find a reason, other than to be someone's punching bag (figuratively, not literally)
- You're Stronger Than You Think: I keep trying to remind myself of this one, no one else will. I have heard all the quite little sayings ie, "God only gives you as much as you can handle," "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I am sure you have heard them too. I can't wrap my head around it all. Why does being strong come easy for some and not so much for others.
- You're Gonna Get Through This: LOL this one makes me laugh. It seems to be the standard response from someone to another someone when they have nothing else to say. Still it would be nice to hear from someone other than myself.
- I'm Glad You Are Alive: Now this one, this one I struggle with. No one has ever said this to me, not my parents, certainly not my brothers, none of my husbands (including my current one) or my kids. In fact many times I feel like they wish otherwise. As long as I serve a purpose in their lives, such as money, a place to live, cleaning house etc. Then I guess they are glad that I am alive. One of my deepest fears is that if I am unable to do any of these things, no one will really want me around. Alzheimers could bring that about.
- Don't Give Up: Why? What is so wrong or so bad about giving up. If I were younger or was important to someone or something, maybe I can see this term being useful, but I just don't see it in my life, really I never have.
I fear death. I am not going to lie. I am a widow and for a long time after my husband died I didn't fear dying. I find that I do now. But I find that fear is a big part of my life these days, something I am not use to. I have always been resourceful. I somehow knew that I would be ok. Not anymore. But death scares me to death again. I don't know, I can't explain it. Once we are dead we don't know anything so why be afraid.
Edited to add: I couldn't let this be the end of my post, I mean its so depressing. So I will say that one positive today is that the way of eating I am currently transitioning to (sort of a combo between Grain Brain, The Mind Diet and LCHF) is doing wonders for my blood sugar readings. In the last 3 days I don't think I have been over 160mg/dl even post-prandal and this morning my fasting reading was 88! I was so happy about that :)
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